And Then There Were 3 - "The Good, The Bad and the Paperwork"

Before I start - dont think for a second I am saying that I think that he died because God wanted it. I dont know if I'm theologically correct in this - but I dont feel that God went "ok time for you to go". But in all the other things we have clearly seen God @ work. We are comforted and strengthened by that. If you are not a Christian - you probably gave up reading this already and have skipped to the end for the summary. I guess it may come across as someone deluding themselves to hide from the grief - but for me - I am sure that God exists and he is looking out for me and my family. I dont understand why our baby died but I do know that God has clearly showed his presence to Me and Em in the events surrounding his death. Anyway rambling - must get on.

Just as we were going to bed (early for us) on last Wednesday evening it became clear that there was a problem with the baby. Em decided to drive herself to the hospital to have it checked out. Em is very phobic of hospitals. She somehow felt able to do this by herself rather than wake Amy or get any friends up to help.
Once there she found out what she had been worried about for quite some time - the baby had died.
The staff were fantastic - non of them actually appeared to want to say that the baby had died - but it was clear he had. Em said this to them and was then able to ask questions about what was to happen next and then drive home to me.

I had been in a right state at home waiting for news. Miraculously one of my old and very good friends appeared on Facebook and started a chat with me - 1st time for both of us - he is never on Facebook! He kept me company as I waited - it was just what I needed.

Em broke the news to me as she came in. I dont think I will ever forget the sadness from that night.

We got about 3 hours sleep that night.

The following morning we started telling people - hardest thing I have ever done.

Having to tell our beautiful Amy that the baby in mummy's tummy had died, will, I think, forever make my eyes well up.

But once again our gift from God was able to point out the positives and very quickly asked "will you be able to play with me now you are not porley?"

We were now in an odd limbo land - we had told most people. But we were just waiting for the physical side of it to be all over. It was so full of unknowns and unanswered questions it was a horrible time. We were able to start dealing mentally with the loss of Jack (what we would probably have called him if he was a he) but everything was on hold until the physical side was over - we had been told to expect anything from full on labour to "happen easily at home".

Again God's timing was perfect - on Friday afternoon just after Amy had gone down for nap. It " happened easily at home". We called the paramedics after being bounced round 4 departments at the hospital. They came and dealt with everything wonderfully. It was lovely for me to see the sense of relief on Em's face as she realised that the worst bit - the big scary unknown - was over. God provided us with a little light relief in the form of a woman who sat in the road outside beeping at the paramedic who had stopped outside of our house - he was in her way as she needed to turn around .. Who beeps at a paramedic ....

As Em went with the ambulance staff and had a merry dive round the hospital as people tried to figure out where she should go. I waited at home for Amy to wake up. Very odd. On her way out to the ambulance Em was able to give me a list of practical instructions of things to sort before I came in to the hospital to join her. Once that was done I was a bit stuck! My beautiful baby girl was still sleeping, the bag was packed ... my wife was in hospital ...

Eventually she woke up and I took her over to play with her friends - the hospital called just as I was leaving the house to say where Em had been taken to. Having to explain to Amy that mummy had gone to see the Doctors to make her better after the baby had died - was a bit difficult - especially when she said "it will come back soon".
"no, I'm sorry baby it wont be coming back, it's died".

I am not sure a 3 year old understands death - I am not sure if a 3 year old should understand death. But I think she "gets it". Its very hard.

Soon Amy was dropped off at friends and I was by Em's side in the hospital - despite my internal navigation being completely confused by the maze of Heath Hospital.

A couple of hours after it had all started - it was over. Miraculously easy. Em found the strength to cope with being in a hospital AND to have a blood test AND to have an injection. Anyone that knows what Em is like with needles and hospitals knows this is proof that God exists.

Ok so that may be stretching it a little far ;) - However you look at it - EM was very brave and coped tremendously well.

What followed was something decidedly unpleasant

Paperwork

It was very frustrating. After all the physical side was done we were probably in the hospital for another 3-4 hours. There was a LOT of hanging around waiting for forms to fill out. We just wanted to get out to see our wonderful Amy.

Eventually we got out. We paused to say goodbye to Jack on the edge of the Hospital grounds.

That was the end of a difficult chapter. Time to turn the page.

We had a beautiful and bitter-sweet walk back through Heath Park to number 56 where I had left the car. It was the same route we walked in the middle of the night to the hospital whilst Em was in labour with Amy.

We went round to our friend Non's To pick up Amy. She had been the perfect house guest! We then sat with Non and had some toast and hot drinks - just what we needed. Non has been through what we are going through so it was just right to sit for an hour or so in the company of people who know what its like.

It was hard being home that night.

It was the 1st night we were just 3 since we found out Em was pregnant.



Click here for the next part

And Then There Were 3

Last week we found out we lost our baby

He (we don't know if it was a "he" but that what both our guts think he was) would have been 17 weeks in to his time growing in Em last week. But the doctors think that the scan shows he dies around 4 weeks ago. He would have been just over 13 weeks old.

We are obviously desperately sad

I don't think that sadness will ever go away - I dont think that's a bad thing. Its just something you learn to live with. It become part of who you are. He would have been a part of our lives and changed them - so I dont see a problem with the fact of his death (there I said it) will affect us as well.

I know its probably sound a bit cheesy (I was going to say "cleshed" but as you can see I cant spell it ..) but I we have both really seen God in this. I wanted to write a bit about - partially because God has been so obvious I feel it is important to write about it but also I want to write things down before I forget the little details that make up this important story in my life.

I am going to break this down in to bits - its turning in to a mammoth post! - Click here for the Next Part

been a while .... ahem

Well i am sure nobody is readying this now !!

Just thought it was worth a post. A lot has happened in the tech world since i started this blog -
I am now on facebook and twitter - probably a bit more than i should be.
I listen to music via last.fm
Google reader has completely changed how i browse the web
I run linux (ubuntu) on my home pc and when i need windows i power up a Virtual pc that runs inside linux
I remote desktop in to my work machine so i can work from home
I have push email and 500mb of free data month on my phone so the Internet and my "connected" life is never very far away...

is that a good thing?

well it means i feel a lot more "connected" to other people - the illusion that other people are out there reading what you are up to and "following" you - makes you (well ok me) feel a little less lonely. Thats sounds a bit sad (as in sniff snff) its not really meant to be - i think i am actually quite solitary by nature (but is that a reaction or just as I always have been ....) I love my family to bits and really couldn't imagine life without my precious girls (and bump!!)

Real life is wonderful and hard

Virtual life is ... what ? web2.0 ... ? glossy ? 2D ?

Which one is better?

Would i prefer one or the other?

Hell NO!

each compliments the other - each provides a balance and base to the other.

Sure if I lost all the things in my "real" life I would be devastated and completely and hopelessly lost. The loss of my virtual life I would not feel the same - but it would still hit me hard. It's amazing how important a bunch of 1's and 0's are to me.

frustratingly I cant sum this up in words - its times like this when i wish i took art instead of drama (I was an A grade student in art believe it or not !!) I just have a picture in my head - twines of 1's and 0's weaving in and out of luscious green complex vines - each supporting the other, each depending on the others strengths to fill their weakness.

Its a lovely picture.

Well in my head it is - unfortunately my head dosent have a "post to facebook" button .....



yet




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Spy shots from a wedding

I go undercover with a rubish cameraphone @ ruth and andys wedding

rather anoyingly - after downloading my pics from my propper camera - this was one of my best pics !!

Amy asleap after a very busy weekend

One wedding, 600 miles, 12 hours in the car and my very cute baby girl decides enough is enough and clambers on to the sofa and promptly falls asleep !

Amy watching tv ... But all is not as it appears ....

Another pic of amy watching tv (in the night garden) the difference is its now 6am and we have been up for 2.5 hours ... Sick twice .... Just had some toast and water - trying to see if I can keep her in her chair for a bit to let the food go down ..

Quite distracted by the tv at the moment ....

Tesco does subliminal advertising ...

Well its a bit obvious ....

Geek Out !!!

WARNING:

The following post contains lots of stuff that excited geeks - please feel free not to read it !!!

OK -Further to my previous post about installing Windows XP on a virtual machine in Ubuntu (lunux) Just finished watching the last episode of Top Gear season 10 that i downloaded and watched using the cool new BBC i-Player in a Virtual machine running under Ubuntu !!

Well i think it was cool ...

Why not just watch it in windows? - well it was a 600mb file that took around 30 mins to download - this way i could continue to work/play with ubuntu !!

Happy Christmas !!

Ok so its a bit late

But since when have i done things on time !!

Its been a fun Christmas so far. Amy has really been enjoying it! Some of my highlights so far:

• Amy saying "more toys" every time she wanted to open a new present
• In church on Christmas day we sat next to Paul Feesey and Amy handed him her "macapaca " doll and said "MA" then she handed him her "Upsy Daisy" doll and said "Jesus"....
• I cooked Christmas dinner for the 1st time and it was good !! wasn't expecting it to be !!
• My computer is working again !! Got the bits to make it work for Christmas

New computer:

Well its not really - but i am currently playing with Linux - Ubuntu. Its very exciting - not as easy as i was expecting but i am enjoying fiddling with it to make it do what i want !! As I type this I am currently experimenting with "Virtual Machines" ..... Basically I am simulating a computer on my computer - eh why i hear you say (if you havnt already tuned out by now !!) Well I am currently installing Windows XP on one of these virtual machines - so i can run it in a window in linux - all very cool !! Well I think it is

New House:

Well its still really not getting very far - I have been a bit rubbish in getting stuff done - its been a mad time in work (it is always..) and by the time i am home its just seams like too much effort to get stuff done. We are hoping to get some more stuff done over whats left of Christmas

Anyway - time to go - XP is installed - lets see what this baby can do !!

TV veg time

Me and amy veging out in front of tv!